Why didn’t I just leave?

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

This is a modified version of an essay originally published in October 2012 by San Diego Gay & Lesbian News, Ms. Magazine Blog and San Diego Free Press.

Please join the Week of Action with National Network to End Domestic Violence
Oct 20 through 24.

 

2014DVmonth

Picture a sere summer night in Phoenix, Arizona, circa 1982.1

I lay on a crinkly table in a cluttered ER, joking with the doc, bribing him with a promise of homemade shortbread if he could fix my face without leaving scars, looking anywhere but in his eyes, and I noticed a police officer nearby.

When I was all stitched and tidied up, I went to the cop and heard a quavering voice tell him that I wanted to press charges against my husband for assault.

The cop looked across the waiting room at him, sitting with his face buried behind his bloodied hands, his tiny mother, herself a victim, standing next to his chair, her arm around him while she stroked his head and kissed his fevered brow.

The cop looked back at me and said, “You don’t want to do that. You’ll just make him angry all over again, and it’ll be worse the next time.”

I did eventually leave my husband, taking my battered self and VW bus and just enough money for gas from Phoenix back to LA, where I lived in a friend’s basement until I recovered.

Flash forward a decade or so, to a visit to the east coast.

On the graceful terrace of a lovely home, a cocktail party was reaching into the night with storytelling. I was puttering in the kitchen, fixing myself a drink, when someone’s words wafted through the window. They sounded something like this:

“Yeah, he beat the hell out of her. We couldn’t figure out why she didn’t just leave him.”

Forsaking my Southern social graces, I stormed outside and lambasted the speaker—in front of everyone—for telling a story that was not hers to tell, for telling it with such a damnably ignorant conclusion. Unseemly of me, I know, and she responded with her own tantrum, stormed off, and didn’t speak to me for some time.

But the question lingered in the summer breeze, flirting with the fireflies—why didn’t I just leave him? It took me years to be able to answer it, and now I know why.

Because I did, because I did leave him. And I stood at the pay phone at the corner of our city block in the winter night, shivering in the t-shirt I had on when he picked me up from the bed and threw me to the sidewalk outside our front door, and I discovered that the police wouldn’t do anything because I wasn’t injured (that time) and I could always stay at a motel or with friends.

But I had no money and I had no friends—because he didn’t want me to have them.

Why didn’t I leave him?

Because I did. And I was wooed back into the relationship with the promise that he had been in counseling for six months and was no longer a batterer and would live only for my forgiveness.

Why didn’t I leave him?

Because I did. And, with battered psyche in tow, I was shamed back to him with the blame for making him beat me, for ruining his life, for getting blood on his mother’s car upholstery.

Why didn’t I leave him?

Because I did, I finally did. I left him when a skinny, exhausted mama in the ER, with a passel of runny-nosed kids, that woman who, through my battered but still-privileged lens appeared to need some help, that woman who wouldn’t stop staring at me as I talked to the cop, when she came over and said, “I know what’s going on. You don’t deserve it. Come home with me. You can sleep on the sofa.”

Instead of telling a woman in possession of nothing but a t-shirt to spend the night in a motel and call back when she’s really in trouble; instead of joking with a patient about injuries consistent with assault; instead of telling the complainant to be silent or she’ll make it worse the next time; instead of looking the other way; instead of blaming the victim; instead of accepting women’s excuses for black eyes and split lips, their lies about walking into doorways and tripping on coffee tables, their pleas that they must stay for the children; instead of all that, do this —

Say: Did somebody hurt you? You don’t deserve to be hit or kicked or strangled or thrown or belittled or terrorized. It is not your fault. It’s a crime. If somebody hurt you, let me help you. There are safe places to go and people who understand. Please let me help you.

Love,
K-B

Again, please join the Week of Action with National Network to End Domestic Violence, Oct 20 through 24.

For more information:

If you are a victim of violence, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website or call 800-799-SAFE (7233).

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence

Same-sex relationship violence counseling in San Diego

If you want to help, visit your local domestic violence prevention agency or Futures Without Violence.

2014 Presidential Proclamation – National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Intimate partner violence (IPV) statistics One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.


1 In 1982, there were few shelters for victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) and little training for police. Today, there are significantly more resources, but still many law enforcement officers—and family and friends, victims and abusers—fail to treat IPV as the crime it is, and still it can be fatally difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

 

2 Comments

Research

By Conney D. Williams

“Where were you last night?” was what I asked that fool. I already knew where he had been. I was just waiting to see if he was going to break with tradition. Bet was my best friend, but he had trouble coexisting with honesty. I’d have to almost threaten to kill his mom for him to finally confess what I knew 90 percent of the time. [I think] it was because he was so predictable, even down to the type of condoms he used. Like the twisted foil wrapper on the floor behind the garbage pail in the kitchen.

He would do this twitching, stuttering thing. “Uh— uh— I was at home watching the Lakers’ game and helping Danny with his homework.

Danny was Bet’s seven-year-old son. He was afraid of Chuck E. Cheese, but loved going to the restaurant. Danny was the one thing Bet was really good at. That was because he knew how much Danny needed him, and there was nothing to be gained by manipulating his own flesh and blood. I had told him how proud I was of him for stepping up to the plate and handling his responsibility.

Tonight what I said was, “Man, you are as obvious as a Jennifer Lopez boyfriend. I done already peeped you out. You were out with Shai last night, weren’t you?”

He said, “Naw man, I— I told you I was watching the game.”

By now Bet was getting a little agitated. Hell, it was obvious he was hiding something. But why? I didn’t give a damn about him seeing Shai, even if I thought he was stupid for doing so. Bet was my boy, my best friend.

SagitarriusWe both had our distinctive styles. He was six-foot-two with copper skin and a short ’fro with soft curly locks. I was five-eleven and fair skinned, with shoulder-length dreadlocks. I worked out constantly while he was always starting and stopping work out programs. I went to poetry readings, and—shit!—he just liked to use the lines I wrote to get next to some redbone. Me, with my cross of cool and bohemian, and he, with his laid back smoothness. We were opposites outwardly, but we were brothers down deep. Two Sagittarians from opposite ends of the spectrum on approach, but man were we the same on outcome. When we hit the spots, it was on, all the way live.

As much as we had done together and as much as we had been through, I was still perplexed why he had such difficulty ’fessing up to me about what was really going on. Maybe he thought I was going to judge him or hold it against him. I don’t know what it is in us that make us fear being vulnerable to one another. It must be that appearance of weakness, scaring us like the boogieman hiding beneath our beds, which brings such dread to our souls.

Whatever the psychology, I didn’t think I was going to figure it tonight. Bet was taking Danny to his mom’s house to babysit him. The Night and his daughters were calling, and we had the requisite testosterone to answer the challenge. We rode away with some semi-misogynistic theme music syncopating deep bottom beats in the background, while jasmine air freshener and Calvin Klein cologne argued in the car’s interior. At that moment, I thought to myself, a real friend has your back, whether he confess all his faults or not.

As we pulled up to the Golden Tail, I asked that fool, “So … where were you last night?”

…………………………..

About Conney D. Williams

ConneyDWilliamsConney D. Williams is a Los Angeles based poet, actor and performance artist, originally from Shreveport, Louisiana, where he worked as a radio personality.

Conney’s first collection of poetry, Leaves of Spilled Spirit from an Untamed Poet, was published in 2002. His poetry has also been published in various journals and anthologies including Voices from Leimert Park; America: At the End of the Day; and The Drumming Between Us. His newest collection, Blues Red Soul Falsetto, was published in December 2012.

Conney has performed his poetry on television, radio, galleries, universities, grade schools, coffeehouses, and stages around Southern California and across the country, including the Black Arts Festival. He is a talented public speaker with more than thirty years of experience.

Read more about Conney at conneywilliams.com.

Photo credit: Aria Nadii via a Creative Commons license

1 Comment

Writers Read at Fallbrook Library Presents

Helen Pruden Kaufmann

Discussing her civil rights era memoir

White Gloves and Collards


White Gloves and Collards - Cover ArtPreceded by open mic for original poetry and prose

Date: Tuesday, October 14, from 6 to 7:30 p.m.
Location: Fallbrook Library, 124 S Mission, Fallbrook, 760-731-4650

Growing up in North Carolina along with the civil rights movement, Helen Pruden Kaufmann’s story is one of personal loss amid social revolution. She ultimately became the community liaison for a public school desegregation program in Massachusetts and has written for the Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute at Stanford.

White Gloves and Collards will be available for sale and signing by the author.

For more information, contact K-B Gressitt at kbgressitt@gmail.com or 760-522-1064.

No Comments

Pact

By Penny Perry

HomelessDogMy neighbor and her granddaughter
with faces broad as cauliflowers
say, “Just care for the cats and plants.
We stopped feeding that pesky dog.
Animal control will pick him up.”
Their van, plump as a grape, glides off.

I tell my husband we could keep the dog.
He studies me. Illness has carved hollows
in my cheeks. I’m all long fingers and knees.
“You’re not well enough. We can’t interfere
with his owner’s plans.”

Carrying cat food, I hike up the hill.
The dog who used to rush at me,
all paws and moving tail,
a glad, subservient streak
of black ears and russet chest,
now stands still.
Ribs poke through his fur.
When I brush past him,
he wriggles his nose, then turns, as if
he didn’t smell biscuits in my pocket.

I slip in my neighbors’ house,
dish Fancy Feast in cats’ bowls.
Outside, I whistle and drop kibbles
like Gretel’s bread crumbs
in the dark grove
behind my neighbors’ house.
At first, the wolf-dog swallows
kibbles whole.
Then, like a restaurant critic,
he chews slowly.
His censored, half-throated cry
ends in a wail.
I rub his thin back. “Quiet. We can’t be heard.”
Wetting trees every twenty feet,
he follows me
and stops just sort of the clearing.

Back in sunlight, as if weary from exercise,
I brush hair off my forehead
and wave to my husband from the road.
………………………

About Penny Perry

PennyPerryKateHardingMugA three time Pushcart nominee, twice for poetry and once for fiction, my stories and poems have been widely published in literary magazines. Fiction Daily tagged my short story “Haunting the Alley,” published online in Literary Mama in August 2011.

My first collection of poetry, Santa Monica Disposal & Salvage, was published in 2012 by Garden Oak Press. The collection earned praise from Marge Piercy, Steve Kowit, Diane Wakoski, and Maria Gillan.

I was the fiction editor for Knot Literary Magazine, a Middle Eastern literary journal. I was a screenwriting fellow at the American Film Institute, and my movie A Berkeley Christmas aired on PBS. And, I’ve just completed a novel about a school shooting. I write under two names, Penny Perry and Kate Harding.

Photo credit: Rennett Stowe via a Creative Commons license.

2 Comments

Dear Matafele Peinem by Kathy Jetnil-Kijiner

Kathy Jetnil-Kijiner, Civil Society Representative from the Marshall Islands, spoke at the UN Climate Change Summit on 23 September 2014. She concluded her speech with a performance of her poem, “Dear Matafele Peinem.”

2 Comments

A Trip to the Laundromat

A short story by Dan McClenaghan

The clothes dryer crapped out, and since Ruth and Ellis couldn’t afford a new one—or the price of a repairman’s visit—they worked out a routine: Ruth would wash the clothes in the evening, and Ellis would take them to work the next morning and run them down to the laundromat located three blocks from the Loma Alta Café, where he worked as a grill cook.

dryerThis particular morning, it was a basket of whites. They’d been running low. Ellis’ underwear and socks were seeing a second day on his body, and he didn’t even have a clean white work shirt. He’d gone in wearing a plain t-shirt. But at ten-thirty, when there was a post breakfast/pre-lunch lull, he raced to the laundromat and pulled out the warm whites that he’d put in the dryer on his way into the café. He put on a warm work shirt and left the rest of the load in the basket that he put in the trunk of his car. What he didn’t know was that the dryer he’d chosen had contained, at the time of his loading, a lone red thong, a soft, thin-fabric whisper of an underthing that now clung to the back of his fresh shirt via a persistent charge of static electricity, and while Ellis worked the grill, his back faced the service window.

Johanna clipped a ticket on the order wheel, took a look at Ellis, and motioned her fellow waitress Mona over. “Look what old dumb ass is wearing.”

The girls knew right away what that twisted, crinkled little red slash was, and they knew where Ellis had picked it up. His laundry problems were public knowledge due to the necessity of his quick trips to the laundromat. Their reaction to the thong was to complain to him about customer overloads, to get him out of the kitchen when his grill work waned, so he could help with the refilling of coffees and the busing of tables in the dining room of the Loma Alta Café. Then they’d point out to their customers the thong that clung to his back, so everyone could have a good wink and snicker—until Evelyn Lamuraglia, a friend of Ruth and Ellis Leahy who had come in a for her regular mushroom and provolone cheese omelet—grabbed the old boy by the arm as he passed her with the coffee pot, spun him around and tore the thong free.

The air between the thong and the shirt back of Ellis Leahy sizzled. Visible sparks exploded as the flimsy garment rode the airborne electrical charge by hanging in a horizontal alignment, pointing right at Ellis, fluttering madly like a little flag caught in a stiff wind, as the sugar in the bowl on Evelyn’s table rose up and sailed like a flock of tiny white crystalline birds into a vortex in the airspace between shirt and thong. And from the bald head of big, fat Dan Lampro—the real-estate guy who had set himself up in front of a short stack and a couple of fried eggs on table 9—a light brown toupee sailed like a flying Pomeranian at the charged fabric of Ellis Leahy’s white shirt, just as Evelyn set the thong free. Thong and toupee met mid-air, and the faux hair became ensconced in the red triangle meant to cover, just barely, the mystery woman’s pudendum. The toupee, being bigger than the triangle, was visible around the red perimeter.

This all happened in the blink of an eye, before Ellis could turn to see about the commotion. When he did, he discovered what appeared to be a snapping, crackling, disembodied furry muff inside a tiny bikini bottom, on the attack, airborn, coming right at him. Visions of Stephen King novels and alien invasion movies flashed into Ellis Leahy’s mind, and he envisioned behind the red triangle sharp teeth, like a shark’s, surrounded by the otherwise invisible woman’s opulent pubic hair. He screamed and turned to run, but the toupee-thong combination hit him between the shoulder blades and stuck. He screamed louder, at a higher pitch, and banged his way through the swinging door into the kitchen, as Dan Lampro stabbed a fork into his pancakes and said to his waitress Johanna—crumpled to the floor, laughing—that he was going to need his hair back, and Ellis peeled out of his shirt and threw it to the ground and stomped it.

………………………………

About Dan McClenaghan

DanMcClenaghanMugI write stuff.

I began with my Ruth and Ellis/Clete and Juanita stories in the early 1980s. At the beginning of the new millennium I started writing reviews of jazz CDs, first at American Reporter, and then (and now) at All About Jazz. I’ve tried my hand at novels, without success.

I’ve been published in a bunch of small presses, most notably the now defunct Wormwood Review. This was in the pre-computer age, when we whomped up our stories on typewriters, then rolled down to Kinkos to make copies, which we stuck in manila envelopes, along with a return envelope with return postage attached. Times have changed.

Aside from the writing, I am married to the lovely Denise. We have three wonderful children and five beautiful grandchildren; and I am a two-time winner—1970 and 1971—of the Oceanside Bodysurfing Contest. Kowabunga!

Photo credit: Damien du Toit via a Creative Commons license

3 Comments

It’s On Us

It’s on us—all of us—to stop sexual assault.

Learn what you can do and take the pledge to be part of the solution at It’s On Us, a national campaign to end sexual assault.

If you’ve experienced sexual assault, please visit www.notalone.gov for resources.

 

No Comments

Father’s Books

By Scott Gressitt

MilkyWay

Father’s books and records stacked
upon the shelves he built of pine
reach all the way to his fine crown
that tops each column of his dreams.

A shaft of light about the width
of last night’s box of Jujubes
spans out across the oaken floor
that Mr. Jackson waxed last week.

The only black man in our town,
he walks in line, and bows his head,
“Good morning, Mister,” greeting you.
The Waxin’ Jacksons do their thing.

The light is bright, I pass my hand.
A dust ball, tiny, spinning by,
reminds me of the Milky Way
and planets that my father loves

Some nights he takes me in the yard,
we tilt our heads back, turn around.
OK son, there’s Orion’s Belt
and there, the North Star, number one.

He talks of how we are so small.
The universe, which is so vast,
is bigger than we can begin
to fathom from our point of view.

Mother walks into the room.
I look up from my reverie,
pull my hands out from the shaft
of light so bright I scarce can see.

My eyes adjust. Her cotton dress
is crisp with starch and crumbs of toast.
A wave of smell that she pushed in
breaks all around her, fills my nose.

There—bacon, whole wheat, scrambled eggs
I know each smell and something quirts
beneath my tongue and fills my mouth
so full of spit, I swallow hard.

This moment in the bright June day
is burned in me indelibly.
My mother, dead, still walks around
in many of the thoughts I have.

As I get up to break my fast
I see the Atlas of the World.
The biggest book that Father owns,
it stands alone beside Coltrane.

………………………..

ScottGressittMugAn amateur writer and rapscallion, I write of my past, a life laden with extraordinary events.

I have walked in places most of the population avoids.

Besides scars and bruises, I’ve collected experiences that frighten, delight and entertain.

I write with the intent to take you on a wild ride where all your senses are fully engaged.

Enjoy.

Milky Way photo credit: John Fowler via a Creative Commons license

3 Comments

BOOK REVIEW: Full Measure by T. Jefferson Parker

Reviewed by Kit-Bacon Gressitt

Join Parker at Writers Read at the Fallbrook Library, 124 S. Mission Road, on Tues, Sep 23, at 6 p.m., for an early launch of Full Measure. Parker will also be visiting the Encinitas Library at 12:15 p.m. on Sun, Oct 18.

Join Parker at Writers Read at Fallbrook Library, 124 S. Mission Road, on Tues, Sep 23, at 6 p.m., for an early launch of Full Measure.

T. Jefferson Parker, a New York Times bestselling author lauded for his vivid crime thrillers, has written what he calls his first literary novel, Full Measure (St. Martin’s Press, October 7, 2014). The novel is ostensibly the story of Patrick Norris, a young Marine returned from war in Afghanistan to face the struggle of transitioning to civilian life in his hometown, bucolic Fallbrook, Calif. Norris’ ranching parents and much of the community have just suffered devastating losses to a wildfire. Norris’ older bother Ted, a troubled ne’er-do-well, is entangled in a personal battle to gain recognition for doing something right in an unaccepting world. And the town is disturbed by the ramifications of the hit-and-run death of a 10-year-old Latino.

In keeping with Parker’s writing tradition, Full Measure is rich with mysteries: Will Patrick survive the emotional repercussions of war to find peace and love? Who started the wildfire? Will Patrick’s parents be able to salvage their burned avocado ranch? Who hit and killed the jaywalking child on Mission Road? What is the “big important thing” Ted is determined to accomplish?

But in contrast to Parker’s other books, Full Measure’s antagonists are not craven drug lords or sadistic henchmen fighting gory battles along the U.S.-Mexico border. They are the flaws, the contradictions, the hurdles that the characters confront internally. Even the return to Fallbrook of a racist activist is a relatively benign act, given meaning only when Ted engages him in his secret plan. These internal conflicts lend Full Measure abundant tension; the characters are true; the drama, compelling; the climax, shocking and poignant. But none of this is what the book is really about.

JeffParkerMug

NYT bestselling author T. Jefferson Parker

At its heart, Full Measure is about the quest for identity, for self, the desire to be an integral part of something in the place one calls home. Patrick knew who he was and with whom he belonged while he was in Afghanistan, but without the focus of war and the camaraderie of warriors, he flounders from PTSD flashback to flashback, from memory to memory of killed brethren, from his desired future to his father’s expectations. Patrick finds himself lost in what had been the familiar territory of his childhood.

Similarly, his father is desperate to keep his ranch—his identity—alive, to maintain a legacy to be handed off to the next generation and the next.

And then there’s Ted. It is Ted who, despite his psychosis, comes closest to articulating the book’s heartbeat: “I felt damned my whole life. But now my big important thing is half accomplished. I’m almost done. I’ll be remembered for it. And it will make the world better.”

In the course of telling this family’s stories, Parker defines their world, the place they call home, with intimate kindness. Fallbrook is represented in the novel, for the most part, as it is today: a town where eccentrics stand out, unable to blend into an urban throng, where small businesses come and go with the seasons, where social connections are incestuous, where memories of the town’s evacuation during the 2007 wildfires remain fresh. The author peppers the text with mentions of well-known Fallbrook locations, in which the book’s action takes place, and local folks who keep the town on its toes. There’s Las Brisas and Rosa’s and Robertito’s, in perpetual competition for the best tacos. Joe’s Hardware and Happy Jug Liquor and “Vince Ross Village Square.” Café des Artistes and charming host Michael. Los Jilgueros Preserve and Café Primo and the Econo Suites. A local reporter from the “Village View.” That awful intersection on Mission that really needs a traffic light (and final got one after the novel’s completion). Even the Fallbrook Democratic Club receives a nod.

Parker has rendered this ranching and bedroom community with artful craft, incorporating its socio-economic disparity, its survival of the 30-year residency of an internationally notorious racist, and its proximity to Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton. Parker’s Fallbrook is, in his novel and in fact, a community to which wounded warriors struggle to return and thrive, amid diverse people who unite in the face of adversity, whether natural or manmade.

Full Measure is fiction with a true heart, one that beats of the search for self in a town that will be familiar to people across the nation. And there’s one more thing: Full Measure is surely a love letter—from Parker to Fallbrook and those who come home to it.

The public is invited to join T. Jefferson Parker at Writers Read at Fallbrook Library, 124 S. Mission Road, on Tuesday, September 23, at 6 p.m., for an early launch of Full Measure. The novel will be available for sale ($28.07, including tax) and signing. Parker will also be visiting Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore in San Diego on Thursday, October 9 at 7p.m., and the Encinitas Library at 12:15 p.m. on Sunday, October 18.

Click here to read more about T. Jefferson Parker and Full Measure.

No Comments

Why I Think This World Should End by Prince Ea

Learn more about Richard Williams, stage name Prince Ea.

1 Comment

BOOK REVIEW: “In Doubt” by Drusilla Campbell

Review by Kit-Bacon Gressitt

In my experience, writing doesn’t get easier the more you do it. But there is a growth of confidence, not much, but a nugget, like a pearl, like a tumour. … So I’ve got cancer. I’m writing.  – author Jenny Diski, London Review of Books

InDoubtCover

This was supposed to be a book review. A simple critique of a new novel—In Doubt (Grand Central Publishing, August 26, 2014)—by a nice local author—Drusilla Campbell of San Diego—who writes about painful things with insight and a tender heart—In Doubt, child abuse; When She Came Home, combat-related PTSD; The Good Sister, mental illness.

But how do you stick to a book review when the author’s life has reached an unexpected climax, when she’s busy barfing instead of signing books? Writing about a writer whose sudden stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis swamped her August book launch is … awkward … sorrowful.

So you futz for hours, crafting questions that you hope dance along the edge of intrusive without tripping into it, that artfully blend the literary with the fatal. You email them to Drusilla and then wallow in doubt that the questions are challenging enough, kind enough, interesting enough.

She responds with utmost generosity: “You’ve written six very interesting and challenging questions for which I’m grateful,” however, “I start a new round of chemo today but when I bob up from that (about a week) I’ll get to work on these.”

You worry that you should’ve kept the questions light and fun and easy, but you were too invested in your own writing. And then you don’t hear from her for eight days, and nine and ten, and you know you’re a real shit.

But she writes again, says she’s finishing up her answers, she’ll send them the next day. And she does. And she’s written good things, as good as her books, as good as In Doubt and its characters: the troubled boy and his disturbed mentor; the rape survivor who wants to reach through the boy’s armor, to defend him against his crimes, to help him find himself—and maybe recover herself in the process; the PI on an aching search for his lost daughter; the victim unable to forgive. So many lose ends, so much unresolved, so like life.

DrusillaCampbellLike the author’s life. But, having interviewed her before, you can hear Drusilla chuckle as she writes, “My life is no longer my own with treatments and appointments and all of it swimming around in my chemo-fogged brain.”

A chuckle, followed by something serious, because that’s her pattern. Because she’s been given six months to a year to live. Just because.

“Initially I was completely flattened by the diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer, convinced that I would never be able to muster either the determination or the optimism it takes to finish a book. It takes optimism and self-confidence, both of which are in short supply when you have been told you’re going to die. I grieved for the books I would never write.

“However, with the help of my husband, Art Campbell (a gentle, but determined, goader), I’ve come around to thinking it might be possible. A couple of days ago, I took down a book I started writing in May. It’s very different from anything I’ve done before, but it may be that that is just what I need at this time in my life. So I’ve begun slow work on How It Began, despite the possibility that I will never be able to finish it.”

Then Drusilla returns to the writer she’s been for three decades—not the writer bowled over by cancer, not the writer so weak and fuzzy she has to dictate her words to her dear husband, but the writer for whom the most important things are the people she loves and the work she loves. Just the writer.

“I have to ask myself if writing a book like In Doubt means anything in the big picture of my life. Thousands of books are published every year and quickly forgotten. Do mine make any difference? I’ve decided that they do. Each of my books has a single major goal: to increase my own understanding and hopefully the readers’ of what it means to be human. Self-contradictory, deceitful, full of hope and misguided ambitions and petty and perverted, and at the same time about hope and love and courage. I want to climb inside my characters’ psyches and reveal them in ways that will help you see them differently.

“Gradually, I’ve begun to feel that the best way for me to live is to write, maybe it’s the only way to live my last months fully.”

And maybe those cancer cells will go on a zero-population-growth kick, maybe they won’t. Maybe there’ll be a miracle, maybe there won’t. It doesn’t matter.

Because Drusilla Campbell’s got cancer. She’s writing.

Love,
K-B

2 Comments

twilight

by conney d. williams

20140614_231800it is twilight in America. the time of living when it is most difficult for the sincerest of individuals to see injustice—black injustice—clearly. see it’s face, like a plump, soft, out-of-shape neighborhood watchman perpetuating white supremacy. see it in soccer moms who bake rice krispy treats and sit on juries that don’t convict murderers of black boys who are unable to defend themselves. which is impossible to do when you are left in a morgue freezer for several days unidentified although your identification is in your front pocket. even if your death is videotaped by numerous onlookers on a train platform, while those who are trained to assassinate guiltless black males with impunity confess to doing so, but request absolution because they didn’t realize that black males were on the endangered species list. it’s way past winter, Gil; past that perfectly cold season that has the ability to chill the spread of this infection. not even the CDC has a vault that could adequately freeze, maintain, and isolate this uniquely American disease.

black males continue to feel the basic instinct of trying to run for cover, desperately seeking asylum in America. but if such a place truly existed, don’t you think we would have found it by now, after more than five hundred years of running? sadly there is no safety to run to. even though black men know how to run—well—because this has been the easiest thing for us to do. no safe haven. no legislation powerful enough to safety black men from targets tattooed upon our chests, upon our psyches. no, not even the DNA of black babies is safe.

so black men continue to run, but not for our lives. we have come to understand that running for our lives would be the most foolish thing we could do. this is because our lives would have to have infinitely more value if we were going to try and save them. so we cannot run for our lives because what is the value of a black man in America—41 shots, eleven months, a not guilty verdict?

when does the milk carton campaign began for black males? when will anthropologists stop digging up our bones from the cold pavement of states like Flo-Rid-A? truth be told, the black man in America has never had a chance to grow, to flourish. i know what the critics will say, look at how iron has entered into the black man’s soul and what he has accomplished, despite its being hunting season upon black males since we were first transplanted here. look at his successes in music, athletics, and gaze upon the fact that we have a black man in the whitest house in America. every black Moses born into this system of survival has had to be hidden, protected from the sheriff of white supremacy, who, whenever an ebony seedling is born into this world says, “kill it before it grow.”

and this should be the clarion of every black mother across this country: don’t allow another black male to enter into this desperation; black males running daily from what can never be eluded. fear so palpable that it is the garment we dress our little black boys in before we send them off to learn they will never be valued. abort black males before they can become enslaved on 21st century plantation prisons, maimed, genetically altered, exploited, blood-let. because it is twilight in America. the time of living when it is most difficult for the sincerest of individuals to see injustice—black injustice—clearly.

Photo credit: Conney D. Williams 2014

Click here to hear Gil Scott-Heron performing “Winter in America.”

………………………….

About Conney D. Williams

ConneyDWilliamsConney D. Williams is a Los Angeles based poet, actor and performance artist, originally from Shreveport, Louisiana, where he worked as a radio personality.

Conney’s first collection of poetry, Leaves of Spilled Spirit from an Untamed Poet, was published in 2002. His  poetry has also been published in various journals and anthologies including Voices from Leimert ParkAmerica: At the End of the Day; and The Drumming  Between Us.  His newest collection, Blues Red Soul Falsetto, was published in December 2012. 

Conney has performed his poetry on television, radio, galleries, universities, grade schools, coffeehouses, and stages around Southern California and across the country, including the Black Arts Festival. He is a talented public speaker with more than thirty years of experience.

Read more about Conney at conneywilliams.com.

3 Comments

T. Jefferson Parker Launches Full Measure

 

Join Writers Read at Fallbrook Library, Tues, Sep. 23, 6 p.m. for a reading and book signing.
FullMeaureColorAdSmall

No Comments

←Older